This message is for EMPATHS and CO-DEPENDENTS working on re-calibrating your picker. Paying attention to your physical (intuitive) cues as a guide for whether you are compatible with someone. This relationship can be romantic, platonic, family, etc.. you will still have a “tell” that your body is trying to communicate to you.
Our pickers have been calibrated in childhood to identify with a distorted, unhealthy concept of what love feels/looks like. In adult hood, we are drawn to the relationships that have this intense magnetic click attraction or pull but end up being the same unhealthy dynamic trap that we keep falling into again and again.
This magnetic click is a good indicator that this relationship can get toxic if it does not have strong boundaries, open communication and understanding, upholding mutual respect for one another, and keeping a healthy distance (meaning not being glued at the hip, you each live your individual lives but come together to live your life together in whatever role you play in each other’s lives.
Another indicator that this relationship has that potential is that you may fall into a role when you are with this person, usually a subservient role as you put them on some kind of pedestal or role of authority in your mind. Over sharing is another indicator; as well as an intense almost obsession fantasizing and dreaming about this life with this person, maybe they even safe you from yours. There may also be an element of excitement. They’re a “bad boy” or a “bad girl”, or maybe it feels dirty or naughty.
Steady sturdy healthy love feels deeply grounded and unshakable. It may feel safe or boring to the co-dependent but this is actually what you want to be re-calibrating your picker to have on it’s radar.
So, how do you recalibrate your picker?
Start with getting very real with yourself and your intentions with people. What thoughts and/or fear is driving my actions? You may notice that you have anxious behaviors in the light of people pleasing and going above and beyond over giving.
Why do I like this person? What traits/attributes/behaviors don’t I like about this person? This isn’t in a judgmental tone “I don’t like their hair”, its observing if there are behaviors that don’t align with your personal core values “It makes me feel uncomfortable the way they talk to servers, they’re rude and demanding” or “I don’t like how they are always competing with me.”
Find healthy role models and start to learn what healthy love looks like through examples. Maybe your family has an unhealthy dynamic but you have a circle of friends that are very supporting and full of unconditional love. Lean into these examples. Let them show you how safe unconditionional love is. There wont be games. Just love and support. It may feel weird or uncomfortable like you cannot trust their genuine kind heart and gestures, but learn from them. In time you will feel safer as they show you over time how reliable, dependable, safe their friendship is.
If you are looking for help recalibrating your picker and breaking the cycle you keep repeating, look into beginning my STRAIGHTEN YOUR CROWN EMPOWERMENT PROGRAM that we will work though together in a private 1:1 session. Head to my website and look in the LIFE COACHING tab, or message/email me to set up your free 20 min discovery call.