To the women who have felt like they always had to change, hide, or dim themselves to receive acceptance and love. I give you the permission to give yourself permission to let that shit go! If this message resonates with you than you can probably relate to regularly feeling lonely, misunderstood, and craving to be SEEN.
You may find that the people that are in your life seem to be the cause of the majority of the persistent drama going on to and around you. Part of that may be because of the environment and relationships in your childhood failing to teach you a healthy relationship dynamic, but the other part is the insidious low hum of loneliness running in the background of your psyche convincing you to lower your standards in order to keep these people in your life.
Your thoughts may be saying, "oh, I don't really agree (or feel offended) by what they said/did BUT I like them so I'll let it slide." In foresight you are actually seeing into who they really are, how they think and act will show a lot about their integrity in the future.
Letting things slide happens on the subconscious level so unless we choose to pay attention, we won't even notice how we explain away, justify, and reason the red flag behaviors (if we can even see them) from those closest to us because we feel that the behavior may be normal or we are afraid of loosing them. The fear of abandonment is a strong, primal, fear and when we can recognize when this fear comes up we can lean into it by reassuring our self that what matters more is to have someone "on my level", "who appreciates me", "knows how to communicate by using 'love languages'", "who can communicate assertively and actively listen", "who lifts me up instead of tearing me down..." than to settle on my standards and get hurt.
The long term effect of this self-betrayal is that resentment begins to stew. Feeling mad at the people who keep knocking you down and mad at yourself for allowing someone to treat you that way. Resentment can also stew when there isn't any open, safe, assertive, and direct communication.
Setting and Maintaining Standards
Standards may first look like the things you like or don't like.
Taking it a step further they are going to look like boundaries.
Another step further it is living in integrity by upholding your words and actions to your own personal core values.
Maintaining your standards looks like checking in with yourself - thoughts and feelings - and asking "am I allowing behaviors and events to happen to and around me that I don't really want to be a part of?" Then asking yourself, "why?"
Here is a truth bomb you need to hear...
You do not have to be loyal to someone if they disrespect and hurt (mentally or physically) you, no matter their relation to you.
In the beginning of healing your loneliness you may feel like you are doing things for the attention or approval of others. This is just the people pleasing tendency, give yourself grace, and keep moving forward. The goal is to learn to live your life for yourself - doing the things that make you happy and being with the kinds of people who are kind and share the same interests as you is where to head. By letting go of the need of other's approval we feel more free to be self-accepting and live our lives with authenticity.