We all grieve the end of a relationship in our own way. Sometimes we put these time limits on our grieving time believing that it should only take a few months to heal. The truth is that we have to honor the process how ever long that takes. Even if someone is leaving an abusive relationship they still have to grieve the loss of that dream, even if it was only a dream it was something that kept them in the relationship.
We seem to fall into a thinking trap of judging our self for feeling big feelings. We internalize these big feelings as a flaw and may end up shaming our self by turning to substances, shopping, working, etc. to distract from feeling anything at all. The big message from Spirit about this is to drop the shame, yes assess if you are being self-destructive in your choices and reach out for help if needed, but shaming yourself for how you process your devastation is only going to keep you stuck in that cycle.
In our society we are not taught to feel our feelings. We are modeled to turn to substances and self-destructive behavior in tv shows and movies, and by our family and friends. That’s why Spirit’s message about dropping the shame is so loud. You only know what you know and until you know more, you can not do something outside your understanding. Even when we know healthier coping mechanisms, when things are at it’s worst, we will find that we turn to the roots of what we know. Recognize that you are suffering and acting out for comfort and learning how to show up and hold space for yourself during these times takes practice.
Do your best and stop beating yourself up about not being perfect!
The second part of this message is about when do you start dating again. I cannot give you an exact time frame like, “6 months afterwards you should start dating.” You know what you want and need and especially after a break-up honoring yourself is the best way to go!
Some people want to date right off the bat, maybe it is because they are so desperate to see a reflection of themselves in someone else’s eyes that actually resembles them. Maybe dating sounds like the last thing you want to do, either way is a learning lesson. Sometimes dating right away is the answer because it helps to remember who you are (outside of the distorted image of you created in the relationship) and being with someone who SEES YOU helps you to FEEL again after being completely closed down from your past relationship. Or, through dating you see reflections of yourself that you realize is getting in the way of attracting the RIGHT type of person. Other times not dating to take time to reflect and heal is right for you. Maybe you do one then the other.. as long as you are honoring yourself, your choices are opportunities to learn and grow.
Spirit says, “drop the shame drop the shame,” because there is a lesson in every encounter. You cannot learn and grow if you believe what shame tells you.